Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?