her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.