stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Just parrot things
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes