[eulogy]
line?
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You wish you had this many chins.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.