8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You Might Also Like
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!