Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”