Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*