Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.