anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.