me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.