Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
when mom throws a party…
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Yeah. This was me today.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!