man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
🤣🤣🤣
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Coffee for people with no kids
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.