We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.