You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.