I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
So that’s what we looked like?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
😆this is so true
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.