HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
You Might Also Like
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
mood
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?