Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break