If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no