Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
based al yankovic
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”