My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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my name if I was in the mob
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what