This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”