Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.