Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Haha good job!!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*has no idea what a book even is*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.