My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You better watch out
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face