Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*