Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.