“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
accurate
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.