Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Monday Lisa
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.