[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Guilty! 🤪
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people