[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.