With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you