October already? What’s next? November????
You Might Also Like
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me as a therapist: omg same
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.