I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?