It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
What a year we’ve had this week.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.