I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: 鈥淲e believe we鈥檝e identified the purpletraitor”.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Imagine the time we鈥檇 save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn鈥檛 have to relay all the details later.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
wife: what鈥檚 the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there鈥檚 a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that鈥檚 a cat
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
me to the government: no broo I swear I don鈥檛 make that much money i promise you bro 馃槶 馃槵
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I鈥檓 good for it just let me live here bro you don鈥檛 have to worry about me fr I promise 馃槫馃
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Just a bush.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can鈥檛 have an online Bachelor鈥檚 Degree in Nursing
60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.