Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.