Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
🙁
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean