Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Why font matters.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Follow me for more recipes
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.