What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You Might Also Like
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.