The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
the three branches of government
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…