Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.