Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
😏😏😏
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Breaking news:
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When your parents check you’re ok.