I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
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I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Shortcut
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Breaking news:
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.