Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Saturday
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019