[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out