SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…