HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.