An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Respect
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!