me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I feel seen.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.