I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*